It has been several months since I have had both of my children napping at the same time while not driving the one around to put him to sleep. Since Brigham is asleep in the living room I have to stay quiet somewhere, why not here.
Reaching the end of my forever long pregnancy, by this I mean pregnant and nursing without breaks for over 3 years, I am looking forward to the break. I have become a bit emotional and even overwhelmed, when I share my feelings of the thing that I am most heartbroken about at this time, please be sensitive and understanding, it may seem trivial to you and may even to me as time passes but at this time I am hurting.
Elise's birth was such a whirlwind and even traumatic. It was scary to all of a sudden start gushing blood and not know what was happening. To have her be born so quickly after the bleeding started and even have to be in the NICU for so long put me in shock for quite some time. Now I am reaching the end of this pregnancy and aside from re-living Elise's birth in my head I am dealing with the pain and loss of not being able to have a vaginal delivery.
How do I put into words the magic of carrying, growing and housing this baby for so long only to be cut short of the miraculous experience of having to struggle and push her into this new life of hers. I am grateful that Elise was able to be born via cesarean, it saved her life. With Brigham I had been in labor for so long on very little sleep and yet was still able to pull every last ounce of strength I had to push him out, to be able to feel all of it and accomplish that could possibly be one of the greatest triumphs of my life. Immediately after my son was born I held him and nursed him, I looked into his eyes as he looked into mine, I was familiar to him and still felt like home. What an amazing experience God allows women to have by growing bodies for his special spirits, and yet not all get to. The experience I get with this baby will be different, it isn't up to me to find the strength inside instead it is all in the hands of the doctor, I won't be able hold her immediately but rather I will be alone as they stitch me back up and wait to recover and John will go with the baby and be with her in those first moments. I feel short changed because I have carried her and cared for her, it is my responsibility and right to be the gate keeper to her new home. I desire the call so much and yet I know that I have to let go of my own heart's desire and do what is safest for her, so I will. I will lay aside this desire and treasure the new experience I will have as I welcome her into my arms.
As parents we lay aside so many of our heart's desires to give our children the best chances at life. It is not easy to be a mom, it is the hardest most self changing experience of my life and I have been through things that others could look at and say "I could never do that". I am eternally grateful that I have had this opportunity to become a mom, it has truly been the greatest desire of my life and in a short while I will have 3 perfect and beautiful children that God has graciously allowed me to mother. In the end it really won't matter how my children get to me what is important is that they are safe and in my care.
For some reason I didn't know you were pregnant until last week, while I was in UTah at my parents house, My mom said something about Beccas baby. Anyways, I want you to know I will keep Becca baby #3 in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI sure miss you and love you!
:) Gretch