The Unexpected

We welcomed a new baby girl into this world a bit earlier than planned.  Elise was expected to arrive October 11th, unfortunately this past weekend I started to hemorrhage pretty heavily.  I couldn't figure out how to stop it or even control it enough to get to the hospital since I kept bleeding through pads the moment I stood up.  I got the idea to to use Brigham's diapers, I doubled up on those and headed out the door.  We had been waiting for John's parents to come and watch Brigham but we knew we were running out of time so we grabbed the neighbor and had her stay until John's dad arrived.  Even though the hospital is only a few minutes from our house and John drove 70 the whole way, I began leaking out of the diapers and just prayed to make it to labor and delivery.
When I got into the room the nurse called the doctor on call who just happened to be my OB.  We weren't there for much more than 10 minutes when the nurse came back in with the anesthesiologist and said "We are having a baby."  I thought how are we having this baby?  I soon found out this was going to be an emergency c-section.
I could tell this was no laughing matter because everyone was working really fast to get me into the OR.  I wanted a blessing before I went in.  The anesthesiologist assisted John in administering and blessing the oil, he was in a real hurry because he spoke super fast and then wheeled me out of the room.  It was a great relief to see my doctor, He is very smart and great at making quick decisions.
During the surgery my doctor found out that my placenta was very low lying and he had to cut into it and pull it out in order to get to my baby.  We also discovered the reason that I was bleeding was my placenta had come away from the uterus.  If my doctor had not decided to do the c-section so quickly he would have soon had an unstable mom and baby from extreme loss of blood, it turns out I was 1/4 of a cup away from needing a blood transfusion.

Baby Elise was born at 33 weeks and 4 days, she has been in the NICU for a while now and will continue to be there for a few more weeks.  She has been doing well but continues to need oxygen on occasion and gets all of her nutrients from a feeding tube.  She had lost a bit of weight but has started gaining again. 

It was difficult to leave the hospital and not bring her with me. She is so tiny and super adorable.  I keep praying that I will know what I can do to get her home soon.  John and I only get to hold her twice a day for 15 minutes each.  I know that people are trying to be comforting by saying encouraging words but the truth is it is so painful to leave my tiny baby in a little clear box.  I feel she was cheated out of some good comfortable growing time.  I know that she will eventually be home but in the mean time my heat aches to be the one to take care of her and comfort her, I don't even know if she knows I am her mom.

I mourn the loss of how I pictured her birth to be.  I ache because I wasn't able to hold her until she was a couple days old.  I'm supposed to hear those little cries and hold that tiny hand and comfort her with my bare breast but those things are put on hold for now.


I know that aside from my womb she is in the best place for her right now but that doesn't stop my heart from aching for her.