What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

We sat together on the small couch in Dr. Larsen's office (the recommended fertility specialist) and heard a loud noise as he gave us the test results, it was the sound of our world crashing in.  He showed us our numbers and compared them to the numbers that were normal and also the numbers we would need to get pregnant.  We didn't have a chance!  He told us to consider Invitro (IVF) rather than Artificial Insemination (IUI) because our numbers were so low and we really didn't have a chance with IUI. 

John went to work that day but wasn't able to concentrate on anything other than the loss we were now experiencing.  Thankfully and not thankfully we were able to drive to California the next day for my uncle's funeral.  We needed the drive together just to be together and to experience the great loss of having a family of our own.  

As the days went by we would discuss what our next step would be.  Neither John or I felt good about IVF and only I felt good about IUI but we had to be on the same page and do this as a team so we decided to look into adoption.  Together we went to LDS Family Services and got the required documents we  would need to fill out to become candidates to adopt.  Every time we would try to fill out the paper work we just couldn't, I felt as though I was trying to portray my family just right so that someone "shopping" for parents to adopt their child would choose us.  Now when I say "shopping" like I did that is not to say that that is how the birth mom would feel but it was how I felt.  It was hard knowing that me becoming a mom was in the hands of another person.  We looked for another option and decided to foster parents, we could foster to adopt.

The next several months were spent preparing and becoming licensed to become foster parents.  We attended the very brutal classes and heard several frightening stories from people in the class who had had foster children in the past.  And then the day finally came when were were licensed, now we just had to wait for a phone call asking us if we would take in a child.  We waited, well I waited and waited and waited.  A couple of months went by and finally I received "the call".  I was asked if we would be willing to take in a 3 day old baby boy.  Are you kidding me, this was exactly what I had been waiting for.  I would be able to adopt a brand new baby.  I was so excited and thanked Heavenly Father.  But my excitement didn't last; the phone rang again, this time to tell me they no longer needed a home for the little baby and therefore I was no longer needed. 
I didn't understand why God wasn't letting me become a mom.  He didn't even want me to be a mom to children who's mom's didn't want them.  I was broken and just did not understand God's thinking on this.  Why?  When there were so many woman on drug destroying the life of another human being I was not able to have even one child to love and protect.  Had God forgotten me or was I going to be that horrible of a mom that I couldn't give these children a better home than the one they had been born into?

I struggled with faith and hope for a bit longer but then I picked myself back up and put my trust in the same God who I had questioned earlier.  I may not have known His reasoning for this seemingly endless trial but I knew that God was a God of miracles and I could hope for a miracle. 

A month or so after my first phone call I received a call asking if we were willing to take a 4 year old named Gabe.  Even though John had just left the state with his dad and two brothers for a weekend football trip I was excited for the new adventure.  I picked Gabe up and we went to the store to purchase some clothes.  This did not go well at all.  Another consumer at the store observing my struggle with my new child said not so quietly to her husband, "That lady is bugging me more than the boy."  Yes I wanted to punch her in the face or at least lie to her and tell her how this child had just lost both of his parents in a horrible car accident and I had just taken him into my home that day.  But that would have been a part lie and I don't think Gabe would have like to have heard that.  So I ignored her and took the disobedient child home. 

Over the next couple of days I taught Gabe that I meant serious business and I wasn't taking his fits.  He quickly learned that when I said something I meant it.  Gabe became very behaved and we got along well.  John got back and Gabe loved having another man around to play with.  Gabe's time with us was short as we knew it would be since his mom had been falsely accused.  He was reunited with his mom the same day John and I had to leave to Utah to visit my mom who had suddenly been hospitalized.

We were in Utah only about a week when I realized I had not had my period yet.  I became a bit frustrated that I was having this problem again.  I figured it was the stress of my mom being sick and everything else that had been going on.  I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway but I purchased the cheap ones from the dollar store because I wasn't wasting money on a negative test result.  I purchased the only 4 they had in the store and went home to take one.  The test was done incorrectly and came out nothing so I figured I would read the instructions and do it again in the morning, I was in no hurry since I had taken hundreds of pregnancy test and not a single one ever came out positive.

The next morning I woke up and took the remaining three tests the correct way, this time the results were different, they were all positive.  In my mind there was no way this was right so I had John run to the store and get 2 more "real" brands, which ended up showing the same results.  Again there was no way I was pregnant so we decided to get a blood test at the hospital, those test don't give false positives.  The blood test results came back positive but it wasn't until we got an ultrasound (thank goodness I know someone who knows someone) and saw the baby that I believed it was real.  It was real and I have the wonderful little rascal to show for it.   

Getting pregnant was a difficult struggle and Brigham is a miracle.  God is a God of miracles and he has preformed many miracles in my life the most recent one being the new baby John and I are expecting in October.  I am thrilled that I have the opportunity to bring another life into this world.  I am so happy to know that Brigham wont be an only child; from now on he will have someone to go trick-or-treating with and open Christmas presents with.  I believe in the miracle of life; I believe life is the miracle.

I don't always know why God allows us to suffer but I do know that God is ALWAYS aware of our pain and our joy.  I am Thankful for the knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me more than my father on earth loves me.  My Heavenly Father is aware of all my heart aches and all my joys.  I do have a testimony that we are never left alone, never, no matter how difficult things may seem He is watching carefully over us and for that I am grateful.