Yesterday fast and testimony meeting was painful. It seemed everyone stood up and spoke on how they just changed jobs and with everyone's prayers the transition went smoothly or the other guy who talked about his son needing a job and everyone prayed for him and he got one. Have I not prayed enough? John has been out of work for exactly one year on Saturday. We have prayed so hard and tried to have so much faith. John applied to every job out there, even jobs that would pay him $15-20,000 less than what he was making. Out of all the applications and resumes sent out he was only interviewed twice. Right after Brigham was born we received a phone call from John's parents asking if we would be willing to move back to Utah to work for them. John was going to be earning a significantly less amount of money than he was at URS but John has been wanting to work for the family business and is really excited to be able to do it.
I don't know that I am completely ready to move back home for a couple of reasons. One of them being family. It seems family can be a necessary evil. It is difficult to be the youngest of 15, eight of them being girls. That means I have 7 older women who like to play mother to me not including my own. I will also be closer to my husband's family who I recently found out is almost just as crazy as my own family. Do you see what this means? This means that my little family of three is expanding in an uncontrolled way. I am scared that John and I will not depend on each other as much and that we will be spending even less time together because John will be playing father to a few of his nephews that don't have fathers at home.
Another reason I don't know that I am ready to move back to Utah is my friends. Although I don't do much with them I do really like them. I have really enjoyed my ward. I love love love being in yw's. I feel needed. I love helping those around me who don't have family here. I have so many tiny fears about moving back home. Also how weird is that going to be if I run into guys I dated?
I guess none of this matters as long as we can't sell our house. I have already accepted the fact that my home has dropped value by over 20% in a year and we wont be purchasing another one for a couple of years, this means renting and probably living in someone's basement again. Like I said none of this matters if we can't sell our house. I would like to stop living in limbo and move on.
Now back to the point of this post besides venting my frustration. I was attempting to share all these emotions with John, again, when we told me he'd run across this video on Mormon Messages by Elder Holland (one of my favorite speakers). I cried during the whole thing. I feel like I am driving on the road and keep breaking down. I really am trying to count my blessings, every night I count my blessings to fall asleep. I have been so good about having faith, I lasted 5 days shy of a year. Isn't my willingness to lose my house, move back to a place that is bitter sweet, and accept a smaller salary, showing my willingness? Why do we keep breaking down? I really have been trying so hard not to question God and have a great attitude about it all. I just need to keep praying for strength to make it through and strength to do whatever he asks even if it is tough. I could really use some extra prayers.
Becca - My dad has been out of work for years. And I do mean years. And it's not because our family hasn't prayed enough or because he isn't righteous enough. Sometimes things just don't happen. And I think it's important to remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and will not give us more than we can handle. I just look at it this way... maybe those people got jobs so quickly because they were too wimpy to be able to handle not having one.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, am excited that you will hopefully be moving here. And maybe it's because I'm not one of the sisters, but your family pretty much just leaves Rob and I alone. I wish they were more up in our business because there have been times when Rob and I have really needed help and it wasn't there. I wouldn't worry about your sisters trying to mother you. They have their own things going on. And it will probably be a blessing for both you and John to help out nephews that don't have a father. You just need to keep the lines of communication open and let John know if you feel that your own family is being neglected. I know how it feels to think you're going to lose friends when you move, but you can always make more. I feel like I lost friends just getting married. But the important thing is that I do know who my real friends are because they're the ones who make the effort to keep in contact even though we don't live close. I know that life is hard and scary all of the time, but we get through it. And often after we get through it we can see Heavenly Father's wisdom and His plan for us becomes visible. Hang in there.
Thank you, Jen for your words of comfort. That last part hit the spot, I am always able to see the good part of trials when they are past. I hope to be able to be in UT shortly after you have the baby, the first little while is tough and I would love to make meals for you. You are a great friend, I love you.
ReplyDeleteBecca,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you! Although not in your same shoes; I have experienced the heartache, pain, and dissapointment that comes from hard times. I empathize with you. LIFE. IS. HARD. You are doing a great job with what you've been given. I can't even tell you how much you have impacted my life. You are needed here, you are wanted here, and most importantly, you are loved here. But moving to Utah doesn't mean any of those things will change. A piece of you will always remain and you won't be forgotten. I am grateful for all the times you and John have been there for my family and the YW when we have needed you. You have done and said things for me that nobody else could have.
One of my all times favorite quotes is: Courage doesn't always roar-sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
Hold your head up. Tomorrow is a new day, try again. You are doing a great job! I love you!